Self

Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you hae no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be---or so it feels---welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic that silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?

I tried to put some thoughts to C. this afternoon. He reminded me that the same thing seems to have happened to Christ: 'Why hast thou forsaken me?' I know. Does that make it easier to understand?

-C.S. Lewis: A Grief Observed

Almost frightfully accurate. I cannot relate with the grief that Jack had to go through regarding his wife, but there is something unsettling about his excerpt on the relationship with God in the middle of happiness. I did find myself giving thanks to God for my newfound happiness in the girl that was my first love, but at the same time, that joy did at times relate to God's claim on me as an interruption. It was a temptation that reared its head many times, and in my poorer days, I felt the need to tell Him that I was happy enough with my earthly life with my earthly friends, challenges, and rewards. As the relationship began to fail, I began to focus more on her rather than my relationship with God. The relationship with her ended. I turned to knock on His door and found comfort. I found comfort in the theology of Lewis and in going to Mass back at St. Jude. However, when despair would set in during the worst of the days of the breakup, He wasn't anywhere to be found.

Well, that's what I told myself. Truth is, I wasn't quite looking for Him during the hard times. I ignored calls to happiness because I was determined in the fact that I had lost the most rewarding aspect of my earthly life. I still feel that way on occasion. In an effort to feel more independent, I would put on a sarcastic, sometimes detached demeanor to people I interacted with. Whether it's the result of the pain or it's a way of lashing out, it's something that I'm working to eliminate in an effort to be above such selfish responses. I've discovered that in my self-pity and unwillingness to experience true joy again, I have locked God out of my house. I have slammed the door and double bolted it. He calls and I hesitate to answer.

I had it right in the past. I must stop concerning myself with convenience; with an earthly life. Easier said than done. May this be a reminder to myself to inch towards a better, more selfless life, one day after another.

Back in the habit

In an effort to ease the pain of an ending relationship, I have begun to read more.  C.S. Lewis has always been a source of comfort, and I have picked up his books and began to reread them.  I have come to realize that in addition to reading, I need to begin to habitually write as well.  I feel that, in addition to having my head spun by new experiences in the past year, I stopped writing because I was expecting to record something I could be proud to show to everyone that read it.  I was missing the point.  

Writing solidifies what I am feeling and what I believe.  It is a reminder of who I am and helps me to be independent.  I will begin to write again, not to impress whoever may once again come across this blog, but to make an effort to move on to another stage in my life, or perhaps, to return to a more comfortable and happier one.  

Misconception

Heaven and hell are two ideas that are the basis of the faith for many. There are those who believe out of fear of hell and those that believe for the reward of heaven. I think this type of faith is misguided. It is understood that when Jesus died on the Cross with the weight of the sin of humanity on his shoulders, he died for mankind, so that we may not perish. What is forgotten and sometimes neglected in this thought is the fact that He did not die for the human race as a whole. While that would still be admirable, His love was not bounded to such a general idea. Yes, what is forgotten is that Jesus died for each and every single person in all of existence, from the past, present, and future, and He died for them personally. It is as a brother or a friend would lay down their life for you, for all the love they have for you. And make no mistake, He did not share his Passion with us for the mere gratification of our afterlife consisting of football games in heaven.

Now, it is impossible for any of us to comprehend what heaven is like, similar to how the baby is unable to comprehend life outside the womb. While this is true, I do not think it is important to dwell on the intricate details of what heaven is like, and it is certainly not advisable to base your faith on how rewarding heaven is. This leads to living for the people's conception of heaven, which, in addition to being a mistaken one, begins to turn them away from faith itself. Such love Jesus showed in His Passion...yet there are those who do not live for Him, but only for the gifts that He gives. This, in its most simple form, represents avarice and pride.

They will be disappointed. The misconception involved here is that people think heaven is a place where there is pure happiness, and God will be in the same position that He was here on earth. No, God will play a different role. Heaven, in truth, is oneness with God. You are part of Him, He is part of you. It is incomprehensible, but that is what He wants for us, because that will give us true joy, true meaning, true holiness. It is said that belief in God will save you. As time has gone on, the understood meaning has changed to "acknowledgment that He is there will save you." This is where lives are lost.

It is with grief that I acknowledge the fact that this is how a lot of Christians live. I say Christians specifically, because they know God. They know of His love, His Passion, and yet they decide to live for the earth, for the womb.

Belief is different from acknowledgment in the sense that when you believe, you believe in everything He has advocated, as well as what He has planned for you, which is heaven; oneness with God. And to get to where He wants you to go, you have to live for Him, live for his teachings. If you make a wrong turn, you must get on the road again as quickly as you can, because the more you wait, the farther you'll be from your destination, and the longer it will take for you to get back.

Friend, you can acknowledge that any location at all exists, but you're not going to get there unless you find and follow the directions.

A calling

The question has always been there, in the lives of each and every person. What is the meaning of it? Why have I been put on Earth? Am I to serve some higher purpose? The thought of being such an instrument for the lives of others sounds noble, and some people dream about it. Living that dream proves to be a different question entirely. The questions then begin to incorrectly answer themselves. "I'm not suited to do such a thing." "I want to live my own life." "There are others who are called to do such work." I say 'incorrectly' because it is the influence of our culture today that puts those thoughts in our minds. I will not talk about callings from God just now, or even religious callings for that matter.

Let us first discuss life in general, considering the time we live in. We are born to loving parents, perhaps to excited siblings. The love that is given to us as an infant is unconditional, and this carries throughout our life. There are instances in which we may irritate our parents senseless, especially yelling in our crib at 3am. This, of course, cannot be controlled. We are not able to stop our crying, our wailing. We depend on the presence of our parents to keep us steady through the night.

Going on through life into elementary school, we begin to take more responsibility for our actions, acknowledge our own life, as well as our independence. But take for instance those nights when you were ill, shivering in bed, throwing up. There was no way that we would have been able to get through that nightmare alone, specifically at that age. Our parents or siblings stayed with us, cared for us, and let us know we were safe. Eventually, there comes the age where we would rather have the parents leave us be.

Our teenage years, our infamously rebellious years involve attitude, irritation, and realization. We hang out with our friends more than our family, and we spend more time in our room than in the living room. We are frustrated with the fact that parents are on our case about grades and jobs and the like. But what happens when problems arise, like they constantly do during these years? What happens when your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you, or you experience the death of a beloved family member? Some are able to keep their emotions inside, for a time. However, many that try are scarred from the attempt. Periods like this are when we teenagers, "capable of conquering life" are found defenseless and susceptible to pain. We turn to a friend, to a family member. To someone we love. The problem may not completely go away, but their presence, their help, is what helps us to continue.

Even as adults, we will come to periods in our life where we will be broken. There will be even more important relationships that may be ended for different reasons. I will tell you now, there will be more grief over the loss of closer family members. The management of your life, what your parents used to take care of, will be passed on to you. But, be assured, if you do fall, you will not be alone. For as it has happened in the past, as an infant, as a child, and as a teenager, someone will come to your aid. Whether it be a friend, a family member, or perhaps the work of a complete stranger, your life will come together again. You will be fine.

This type of life is consistent with life in other times, whether it is 1980, 1700, or even before Christ. That is shown through the need of Adam for a companion. We cannot function without others in our lives, without love. That is partly where the purpose of life, to love and to be loved, comes from. We must understand this now. You can try to achieve a superstar, rich, snobby lifestyle, but just what are you living for? You have been given the blessed gifts to change the lives of others, to help them, just as you have been helped. It is preposterous to say that you are not suited to do such work. That's what you were created to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to pursue a career that doesn't pay well, because there is no harm in that. But what do you do in such a job? What do you do with your money? We all have been given specific talents in our life, there is no debate there. What is a shame is that we put those talents to waste in pursuit of a more convenient "me, me, me" lifestyle. We live for others and others live for us.

We are called to service.

I have written before that service to other people directly is one of the most rewarding jobs there is. We are told to pursue a career that makes us happy. You are called to pursue a lifestyle that serves others. Love them. You will be loved in return. That alone is more rewarding than any material thing.

The Past

I often think about the past as things that deal with an anniversary of some sort. Just last year, I was making new friends and renewing my life on a mission trip in Mexico. About two weeks ago, I was spending time some great friends from The Pines. Sometimes, I check my old Xanga to see what exactly I had written on this day in 2004 or 2005.

These events are significant to me because I will never experience them again. I will never see the mission sites in Mexico with my own eyes again. I will never even have the same people in that type of atmosphere again. I may never see those friends from The Pines anymore, as life takes us along common paths, but we all have to split somewhere. I look back at my Xanga and realize how much I've grown. I'll never again have that childish mentality that I had in 2004 or 2005. It's gone.

This whole idea is not uncommon. Many of us treasure pictures or video that we've taken in the past. Countless people hold ticket stubs to movies because they consider the time surrounding it or the people they were with to be of great importance to them and to that aspect of their life. The question is why we do this. It's just color on paper or a receipt to an overpriced film. The answer is quite simple.

We are a people that live in the past. On occasion, with friends or family, we live in the present, but those occasions quickly change in to the past, and we let our minds wander and live in those memories. It keeps us happy, keeps us peaceful. It lets us know that there is good in our lives. However, all good things can be twisted in an evil way. How many deaths have occurred because of ridiculous arguments about some fickle thing in the past that were taken too far? How many friendships ended? How many souls destroyed? Though the past may hold the feelings of love and friendship for our friends, it also harbors hatred and wrath for those who have offended us and affects our present.

God is a little bit different. He lives completely in the present. People will quickly argue against this, but I assure you, it is true. Some will mention the life of Jesus and that we should follow His life that He maintained in the past. That He died for us, that He offered His Body and Blood. This is true. But what is also true that it is happening now. During the Eucharist, the Body and Blood is offered to us again and again. It never slips into the past. His promise is everlasting, as is His love. Another example, His birth is celebrated every year, as we believe Jesus is once again born into our hearts. There is no metaphor, no symbolism. His commandments exist through us today, they are still the path by which we govern our lives. Make no mistake, there is no "was" in these examples. Scripture is not read at Mass as a history lesson, but to abide our lives by in some manner.

Sin works in an interesting way. When we sin, the sin is with us. It is apart of our soul, destroying it, bringing it down. The sin never falls into the past; it becomes apart of us. It affects us later in our journey, killing us slowly, but surely. It's part of life. We are to take it with us, forever. But, as I said before, God does not live in the past. He recognizes the rebellion that you have put up towards Him, and he recognizes the damage that is being done to your life in the present. But here is something peculiar. The sinner asks for forgiveness. He confesses his past, opening his soul to God's grace. And God cleanses the sinner's spirit; it is pure. It no more part of our lives; it is a thing of the past. God does not recognize it...it does not exist anymore. It is a shame that we don't understand how truly incredible this is. Our offenses have been wiped away. They never happened.

You may say how amazing it would be if we could do this ourselves. In reality, we can. Maybe not for ourselves, but for others. We can erase their past and their quarrels with us. Perhaps not offenses with God, but with other, it is possible. Oh, the power of forgiveness...

How graced we are to be able to retain the goodness of our past while at the same time, we are able to cast away the evil.

Inconvenience

We sure are strange people. Especially when it comes to convenience and desires. I've heard multiple people claim that there's not a hell because it doesn't seem feasible. After all, why would a God who loves us damn us to eternal hellfire? We begin to believe this way because the idea of not going to heaven is inconvenient to us. That idea of inconvenience tells us the work's not really worth it, and hell probably doesn't exist, because Jesus died so we wouldn't have inconvenience in the first place.

That is a child's dream. We are told to leave our possessions, take up our cross, and follow Him. We are told to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, anoint the sick, visit the imprisoned, and support those in poverty. We're told to live for others. To love, and love in return. Sadly, for this world, that is where life becomes inconvenient to our personal, material lives. Why is this? We still feel this pit in our stomach when we see those in poverty, and we feel their joy when we give them drink, clothe them, and visit them. Clearly, this instinctive feeling in our heart is Good.

So why would we turn away from that? The answer is quite simple. As a society, we have come to believe in this dream to become rich, and if we are not rich, we are not successful. It is nearly gluttony for money, clearly avarice, greed. Any obstacles in the path to that goal must be ignored and forgotten completely. It is strange that people would feel this way considering the situation I described just a little bit earlier. Certainly, there is something interfering in our potential goodness. It is none other than the devil himself, tempting us with material, earthly things that break us apart from the ones whom we dread to love. He has introduced convenience to our lives. Short lived convenience, yes, but it seems to be successfully targeting an area of our weakness.

Through our pampered lives, how are we not to believe that we have this one-way ticket to heaven? We are blessed enough to be living in a comfortable house with an excess amount of money to purchase many things that are bound to become obsolete in a year, but we have come to expect this as the default life to live. It's not even convenient to us. It's inconvenient and maddening when something goes missing. You say that this is ridiculous. And I too can't help but look at that and think, logically, that that is unfair. But it is true. Imagine if you were stripped away of everything you owned. Nonmaterial things included. You would be quite sad and lost. But imagine if, after many months, you were given your family back. A few months later, you were given your best friends back. It isn't an issue of convenience there. It is glorious, joyful, incredible. We don't understand this now because of our goal in life, as it is centered on the wrong finish right now. Of course, when I say this, I'm assuming the bandwagon dream of a high-paying job. What about a true family? What about maintaining a best friend or two? What about your faith? What about the responsibility for your children's faith? Those aren't directly intertwined with society's vision for you. Society believes in a political marriage that can be broken off when things "don't work out." It believes in throwing away the love and trust of your friends for a stressful high paying job. It believes in putting away God for a while, so you can feel better about yourself.

It believes in the convenience of you and your own. This, ultimately, has taken true religion out of many of our lives. The obligation for Mass is early in the morning/during the football game. The idea of mortal sin sends a shiver down your spine, and you'd rather not think about it and its consequences. We think that all we have to do is believe that God is up there, and that will be enough to grant us eternal bliss. However, we believe in a convenient God, a God painted by us for our convenience. Problem is, He isn't. At least, not to society's understanding of the word.

The Holy Spirit came down to give us courage and wisdom to teach others, whether it be by word or by living. We should start in a place of similar origin. We should start by something inconvenient. We should begin by forgiving. That is a lifelong journey, to be sure, but it needn't be done all at once. Our friends first, our unknowns second, our enemies third. Forgiveness is a necessary step to love. Jesus loved us to His death on the cross so that we may experience forgiveness and forgive in return. He did not tell us that we're home free because He rose. Quite the opposite. He wants us to continue to love, to continue to forgive for as long as we live.

For some, the effort isn't worth it. God is a gentleman, and He won't force anyone to do so. He is saddened, however, by the fact that they do not feel that He is worth the effort, that He is inconvenient. Not the path that's inconvenient, but He Himself, inconvenient. At Judgment, God won't make them change their minds. If they do not want Him, he will not force Himself upon them. He is a gentleman. And He will leave their souls, forever. For that is the truth of heaven and hell. If we want God, if we want Love, then He will be overjoyed to spend eternity with us. Seems simple. But love is something we cannot comprehend. Let us make that our journey anyway. It will be inconvenient journey, bound to be riddled with hurt and sadness. But recall the sadness you feel for those you don't know who live in poverty. Recall the joy you receive when you care for them and they show their thanks. It is a taste that you must keep with you.

Take that lead and run with it. Do not fear the idea of falling. Jesus fell three times.

Finding the church

Someone asked me on some Wednesday why I was so tired. I told him that I was a little behind on sleep because I got up for 6:30am mass. I was told that that was ridiculous. His reasoning is somewhat logical. I mean, Wednesday mass isn't obligatory, and it's also really early in the morning which takes away an hour I could have with sleep. But have you ever done something for your parents or another friend that you weren't obligated to do, but you did it anyway because it made them happy? Well, it isn't necessarily the same case here, as I do it in order to keep myself happy; as close to God as I can get.

You've had the feeling before. A mission trip, The Pines, or a retreat. You get that faith high and feel like going to church and praising your heart out. You even feel like going to Wednesday mass. At least for the first three weeks.

And we've all had another feeling. Like God has left us. Many months after said faith high, our enthusiasm for Christ begins to diminish. We start to continue old sinful habits. We start to blame God for turning His back on us, but in the end, we realize that we have left Him. We then try to turn back, but the effort is mostly futile. At least until the next retreat.

I realized this after the Mexico trip this spring. You see, on these retreats, there are numerous people gathered in God's name, and His presence among the people is incredible. People begin to shout the praises instead of lip-syncing the words. They become best friends with people they've only known for a couple of days, and normally, that could be called foolish, to throw your life into the heart of someone else's like that. But in the presence of God, you are somehow able to see into their heart, and you are able to love them as God wants us to love any man on Earth. With so much love in one place, among so many people, it would be nearly impossible for one not to be enlightened and absolutely joyful that we have a God such as ours. If only life in the real world was that way...

On those retreats, the love of God and the peace of the Holy Spirit is basically handed to everyone. They don't have to look far. But here we are back in the city. Back in the high school, where people are praised for drinking and having sex, and take that pride to their hearts. Back to real life, where there is pain, death, and anxiety. The question is why we think that we are able to keep the same relationship with God in such a contradicting atmosphere. It is impossible to do that when you are only in the presence of God once a week. It is impossible to do that with a tainted soul from the lack of Reconciliation. It is impossible to do that if you don't work for it. And that work includes choices that most people aren't generally excited about; daily mass, weekly/monthly reconciliation, daily Scripture, and weekly rosary.

When it comes to choices, as Men, we typically choose the choice with the more immediate benefit. That is how Satan captures so many. Shoplifting; immediate goods. Drugs/getting drunk; immediate feeling. Lust/sex; immediate pleasure. Pride; immediate, shallow gratification. People wonder why there's so much crime...Man is susceptible to the promise of immediate gratification, and the way life was made, that typically weighs on the side of sin. That's the pits. The reason why we increase our faith so much on retreats is because other people do all of the work and they bring God to us. Because there isn't too much work involved to get to Him.

Well, that's not the case in the city. No one's going to help you unless you ask. And even then, they won't be able to help you all of the time. You are going to have to work for that lasting relationship with God that you experienced a taste of. You will have to find it yourself. And dragging yourself to church every Sunday to text on your phone isn't going to help you.

It is why the church offers daily mass and reconciliation. It is why they try to get people to pray a Rosary thirty minutes before Sunday mass. It is why they have so many clubs and groups during the week.

Because the world is a difficult place to live in.